I was woken last night to some massive hairy insect crawling up my leg at around 2am. I swatted it off and flicked on the lights to see what the **** it was. There was nothing in sight when the lights came on, so I jumped out of bed to get a different view point of my bed, which was about to become a battleground. After illuminating any dark corners with my flashlight, I finally came across it. The biggest, most disgusting brown cockroach I have ever seen hiding alongside my backpack. His feelers/ticklers were a good 4 inches long (which is probably the 'hairy' feeling I felt on my leg).
Now the last thing I wanted was to screw this up and have him escape into hiding somewhere in the cabin only to attack again at a later date (and to void me of any sleep until then). There was no question about it, I had to kill him. I looked around to find a suitable weapon, but could not find any rocket launchers, flamethrowers or nukes. So, I just grabbed the thickest shirt I had and lunged at him. I missed on the first attempt and he scurried off across my now bare bed at an incredible pace. I knew this was my only moment. This moment is what Eminem raps about. I took one final lunge at the little bastard and caught him firmly in the shirt with my right hand. I was not going to make the mistake of squeezing too light and have him scurry up my arm and into my shirt and then into my soul, so I squeezed as hard as I possibly could and held it.
I remember hearing about how cockroaches are nearly invincible and can withstand great amounts of crushing force (among other things). So I stood there for awhile, maintaining maximum squeeze, trying to think what would slay this demon for good. Fire? No...too risky. Could I drown him? No...what if he got away... I decided to release my grip only slightly to see what condition he was in. He was still moving his thick, spikey, disgusting legs. I reacted in the only way I knew how. I grabbed his head with my other arm, ripped it off, then ran up to the cockpit and threw both pieces overboard, sending him back to the hell from which he came.
How long has he been living in my cabin? Has he been venturing on my bed nightly and this is just the first time I noticed? Has he been on my face?!
You should have called the ISS and had them charge up the Low Orbit Ion Cannon. It's the only way to be sure.
ReplyDeletehaha, damn, I didn't think of that!
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